The Ornithology Of The American Lesbian
The definitive guide to spotting lesbians in the wild.
As queer ladies navigating the complex world of identity and dating, we were starting feel overwhelmed by all the terminology.
Who counts as a Baby Gay? What's the difference between a Soft Butch and a Hard Femme? Do we actually know any lumberjills?
Learning the different and completely arbitrary criteria for all these labels started to feel a little like we were back in biology class. So we decided to put together this very scientific* guide to the many different varieties of lesbian that you may encounter. (Although we're still confused about which ones we are, tbh.)
*Not At All Scientific
Baby Gay Observation Notes:
Fledglings in the community, these types are not easy to classify as they have yet to mature into their adult markings. Can be found on most college campuses or standing nervously at the entrance to a gay bar (which they are likely too young to enter).
Pitbull Stud Observation Notes:
Aggressive when mating, tender when mated. Can be seen wintering wherever you are, beautiful ;)
Power Lesbian Observation Notes:
Found in boardrooms and courtrooms and other places with an echo. Suits, attitude, underlings. Won't take your shit.
Gold Star Observation Notes:
Has never once been seen mating with the Homo Sapien Male. An even rarer breed is the lone star (Sola Stella), a gold star whose breeding trend is to mate for life.
Stone Butch Observation Notes:
Exhibits dominance in both courtship and mating rituals. Not interested in binaries. Will take a beer.
Pillow Princess Observation Notes:
Can often be seen from below. Doesn't flip. Secretive and obscure, but common.
Lipstick Lesbian Observation Notes:
Blends in effortlessly with the surrounding heterosexual population. Displays intricate patterns of preening. Easily recognizable from its bright and bold markings from Sephora. Usually above average height, thanks to ankle-breaking heels.
Soft Butch Observation Notes:
Easily identified by tattoo markings, hair that is short in length, and a dapper aesthetic. Tends to be antisocial in winter, preferring to nest with a gal-pal.
Celesbian Observation Notes:
Exhibits a profitable combination of familiarity, conspicuousness, and style. Summers in Montecito.
Hard Femme Observation Notes:
Favors dark colors, piercings, and feminist theory. May attack if provoked or mansplained to.
Boi Observation Notes:
Can be seen in the underbrush with an undercut.
Lumberjill Observation Notes:
Can be found outdoors and around various campsites. Flannel markings can be seen for miles on a clear and snowy day. Fond of bourbon and beanies.
Shane Look-Alike Observation Notes:
Nonmonogamous mating habits. Easily recognizable by their shaggy plumage, confident swagger, and knowing glances.
Tomboy Femme Observation Notes:
T-shirts and lipstick. Sneakers and lingerie. Often seen wearing glasses and still kicking your ass at sports.