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    Let's Talk About How Messed Up The Original "Unsolved Mysteries" Was

    "Perhaps you may be able to help solve a mystery."

    Everyone is talking about the new Unsolved Mysteries reboot on Netflix, which is really good! But I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone about how scary and fucked up the original was.

    Netflix

    First, the theme song. Press play. It's the soundtrack to your imminent disappearance/haunting/hidden treasure finding and/or secret twin discovery.

    View this video on YouTube

    youtube.com

    The original theme song will catch you off guard, it will suck you in, it will wreck you.

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    Each episode started with the man of my nightmares, Robert Stack, appearing seemingly out of nowhere: A hospital room, an unassuming nook, or a generic foggy mist.

    FilmRise / Via jarredhageman.tumblr.com

    He speaks. It's a voice you'll never forget.

    Courtesy of the Everett Collection

    The thing about the original Unsolved Mysteries was that Robert Stack made you believe that every single mystery was going to happen to you.

    Courtesy of the Everett Collection

    Your house is definitely on a sacred burial ground you never knew about.

    FilmRise

    At some point in your life, you will be abducted by aliens.

    FilmRise / Via starscream-and-hutch.tumblr.com

    Your living room will be taken over by a bunch of Civil War–era ghosts.

    FilmRise / Via badasscivilwarbeards.tumblr.com

    Hi, from the La-Z-Boy.

    FilmRise / Via badasscivilwarbeards.tumblr.com

    Hi, from your bed.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    Hi, standing there with a jug.

    FilmRise / Via badasscivilwarbeards.tumblr.com

    One day you'll just be sitting in your living room and a strange mist will pop a squat next to you.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    When you look at the window, there will be an alien just kind of standing there.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    The next time you check your mail, a note in ALL CAPS hidden code will be waiting for you.

    FilmRIse / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    Digging a hole? Just stop. You'll find a steel beam with mysterious "hieroglyphic symbols" that are not of "earthly origin."

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    And surprise! You definitely have a long lost twin out there your parents never told you about.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    You may even be a "twinless twin," go figure!

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    Unsolved Mysteries made you believe this man was hiding in your garage.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    In the back seat of your car.

    FilmRise / Via beefbuds.tumblr.com

    Under your bed.

    FilmRise / Via beefbuds.tumblr.com

    Behind you.

    FilmRIse / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    Unsolved Mysteries taught you to never go hiking. Bigfoot is real.

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    Never buy something at a garage sale. It's haunted.

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    Honestly, just never leave your house. "Medusa Bandit" will be there to rob you.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    And now let's talk about the witnesses.

    FilmRise / Via reddit.com

    This is Debby. She's your neighbor. She will hear your screams.

    FilmRise / Via lesbianseagulll.tumblr.com

    "Sharon Johnson" will be a witness to your death.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    Dorothy, a psychic, will tell cops where your body is. She will ALWAYS be wrong.

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

    And if you're lucky, Robert Stack will come back on by the end of the episode with an update.

    Courtesy of the Everett Collection

    The update will say that your case was solved.

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    But sorry, the killer has since been released.

    Courtesy of the Everett Collection

    Robert Stack ends each episode, usually from some generic office or wet parking lot, and asks you to join him next time, where this fuckery will all be repeated.

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    "Perhaps you may be able to help solve a mystery."

    FilmRise / Via youtube.com

    Sweet dreams!

    FilmRise / Via Facebook: Unsolved-Mysteries

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