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1.A desk-sized inflatable tube pal that'll turn your cubicle into the best party spot this side of the street. The other side has a used car lot... so.
2.A box of cereal for adults who refuse to grow out of their potty humor, even when their bowels seem to be cracking their own ~crappy~ jokes lately.
3.A tiger or penguin sheet mask, because growing older means taking care of your skin and staying young means doing it while pretending you're on the set of The Lion King — the original version, obviously.
4.A tiny tub of fried chicken erasers to lightheartedly erase your mistakes when your writing assignments get rough — gotta remind the other English majors that *you* are the top of the ~pecking~ order.
5.A chunky knit cotton blanket for when you've gotten to the age where you can spot a draft from a mile away and need to cover your shivering self with a blanket worthy of a toddler's nap time.
6.A geometric doormat that'll proudly show off the cube-drawing skills you mastered in the second grade.
8.A snail table lamp — you may have started getting more ~sluggish~ with age, but you're gonna want to escar-go get this quickly before they're all gone!
9.A cleaning putty for making the most mundane cleaning tasks way more fun. Ironically, this slimy substance can be used to remove the actual slime your children make/squish into every remote and keyboard in your home.
10.An octopus shower caddy so you can hold tentic-all of your stuff in one super convenient (and only slightly silly) place.
11.A pack of pizza box socks that are sure to be the ~cheesiest~ accessories you've ever worn.
12.A toilet seat decal for pet parents who love ~kitten~ around with their home decor.
13.A windshield sun shade that's sure to be a great way to make friends with your neighbors — ~eye~ don't think you're gonna be able to get in your car without someone complimenting your sweet ride ever again.
14.A toilet night light so you can walk into the bathroom with confidence, even in the middle of the terrifying night. You're never too old to be afraid of what's lurking inside of the toilet bowl.
15.A rad pastel bed set sure to give you the kind of psychedelic beauty rest only a candy-for-dinner high could create.
16.An enamel pin to honor the sass you would serve your parents when they asked you to keep your room clean — a life joy you lost the day you first heard the term "cleaning checks" in the dorms.
17.A pair of cactus dryer balls that'll give you the greatest delight life has to offer, freshly-laundered linens. I mean..they'll be cute li'l toys you play with just for fun!
18.Or a cactus bath mat if your joints have started feeling a little ~prickly~ in the mornings and you'd like a smiling friend to remind you that you're still young at heart.
19.A DIY fingerboard and half-pipe so you can relive the glory days of your high school skateboard career, even though you're worried you'd slip a disk on an actual skateboard these days.
22.A pair of candy stripe socks to wear if you're one of the fashion-savvy folks who still (rightly) considers Junie B. Jones a timeless style icon.
23.A beautifully unique flower pot face so you can prove your imaginary friend Fern is as real today as she was in Kindergarten. You really have never had a better ~bud~.
24.Or a Beta-safe fish bowl bubble that's sure to be the home decor you never knew Bubbles needed, especially because it looks like something from the set of The Big Comfy Couch.
25.An inflatable ottoman and chair for the moment you realize you're totally allowed to spend your adult-sized allowance on furniture with extra glitter.
26.A BBQ candle to add some warm light and sophistication to your home...but not too much, this *is* inspired by meat after all.
27.A pair of utterly lovely waterproof fish flops so you can skip bathtime like the old days and blame your shoes when your friends ask why your feet smell so fishy.
28.A Disney princess print that'll show off your Sleeping Beauty love in a way that's slightly less startling than singing "I know you!" to strangers on the street.
29.A dumpling and bubble tea nightlight for kids-at-heart who still ~light up~ at snack time.
30.A pair of lightsaber chopsticks that'll be a surprisingly practical utensil set any lifelong Star Wars fan would Jedi for, no matter how grown up they may seem.
31.A perky pair of sunglasses every six-year-old on the block is gonna go heart eyes over whenever you walk by.
32.A ceramic serving tray for people who practically live for puns, who are more than happy to lend a helping ~hand~ at the next dinner party they attend.
33.A one-pound bag of marshmallow cereal so you can finally make the breakfast you always told your mom you would eat every day when you grew up. Just don't tell your dentist.
34.A ray gun nose and ear hair trimmer for when your hair starts growing out of control and you need a way to laugh about it (but also destroy it).
35.A building block coffee mug so you can customize your mug in a way absolutely no one can confuse as their own. If they say they thought it was theirs, you can be certain they are ~toying~ with you!
36.An almost suspiciously chic birthday headband to celebrate your birthday with as much style as the impeccable pony party you had when you turned seven. Who decided big birthday celebrations have to stop once you're too tall to fit on a Shetland?
37.A toilet paper holder that'll make your baaahthroom beautifully fun and delight even your rather ~sheepish~ friends.
38.And finally, a teeny tiny '80s-era My Little Pony (Firefly to be specific) who can bring joy and love to every child (who just happens to also be of legal drinking age) out there.
Me, after the neighborhood teens laugh in my face when I tell them to put down the vapes and enjoy their lives before adulthood: